Reflection

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It is December 31st, 2016.

I am laying in bed, comfortably surrounded by my warm blankets and many, many pillows (all important, you can never truly have enough pillows in my opinion) reflecting on these last 365 days. When I think back on this year, I think of two things. Growth and Chaos. A lot of significant things happened- it’s sort of hard to remember all of them but the memories of some specific events are so vivid and hold so much meaning.  All carry so many lessons that were important for me to learn and understand. Also- when I say chaos, that doesn’t come with any negative connotation. It actually makes me smile and laugh a little to say it. Because for me, that’s really what it was. Organized, beautiful, chaos.

I can feel the vibe of this year in full force today, not only from my own experiences, but from those around me and world as well. I’m an absolute empath (another realization this year)- which just means I’m very sensitive to the feelings and energy of another person or a situation. I feel the positive and negative energies surrounding me and I’m taking them all in. When you think about it, it’s difficult to break up anything into positive and negative categories. They truly are yin and yang. Yes there is good and there is bad, but they beautifully woven together.

Okay, so here are some “negatives” from 2016 that I would like to remember and reflect on for my own sake, in no particular order: I was in an uncomfortable and toxic relationship that was very degrading and honestly, shitty. I slowly began to hate and resent a job that I at one point genuinely loved. I went back to school to learn a new skill and it was beyond draining. I was surrounded by tension and negativity constantly.  I let people walk all over me and talk down to me- to my face and behind my back. I ignored myself. I relived memories from childhood that brought up a lot of resentment and pain- that pushed me away from loved ones. I went on an adventure that turned out to be somewhat of a nightmare and I felt it was necessary to cut the trip a couple weeks short.

The negatives are here to teach me.

The saddest part about reflecting on some of these situations and circumstances is not that they occurred- it’s that I didn’t know my worth. I wasn’t caring for myself. I wasn’t looking out myself. I was letting shit get to me- a lot. I wasn’t listening to myself. I was just getting by. But eventually I did start listening, and here’s what I’ve learned so far.

The positives are here to stay, flourish, and bloom in my mind and in my heart. The interwoven positives of 2016:  That relationship ended. I forgave myself for allowing someone to treat me so poorly and eventually forgave that person. I had time to heal and realize I was no longer a victim of my circumstances- this mindset goes beyond a shitty relationship by the way. I quit the job- heartbreaking and necessary, but gained a beautiful friendship with one of my co-workers. Although school was unbearable at times, I learned a new skill that’s already helped so many people. I get to have a positive influence on someone’s day- even potentially life! How nice! I work at a lovely massage facility with amazing people. And I recently I teamed up with a wonderful woman who works in a chiropractor’s office as one of her massage therapists. Awesome opportunities left and right.

The therapy I went through this year was intense and painful, but very profound. I am forever grateful for that.

My adventure was not what I thought it would be- but I learned a lot. Like how to book a trip by myself. I learned how to travel to another country BY MYSELF. I FLEW BY MYSELF. All of these things I had a deep fear of for years. There was a time I never fathomed traveling abroad alone. I learned how to do so much in the amount of time I was gone.  Plant, care for animals, learn about another culture, (try) to speak and communicate in another language. The most important thing I learned from that trip though- you cannot run away from things you don’t want to face. They will follow you- wherever you go. It will manifest in front of you eventually, trust me.

Most of all, because of all this chaos my yoga practice FLOURISHED! I found an amazing yoga studio with wonderful people, I practiced inversions and did poses I never thought I’d be able to do. And because of that, I got over my fear of actually teaching it as well. Now I teach in a corporate setting at lunchtime and  I love it- I can tell my students do too.

What else…I adapted a vegan lifestyle. I got over the fear of rides. Oh and I fell in love with a wonderful human being.

What I will tell myself in 2017 and years to come: I know my worth. I know I am worthy of being happy. I’m worthy of good things that come my way. I’m worthy of all love and support that I can provide for myself and receive from others. I deserve all of these things.

And so do you.

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