It’s 12:11 am on a Tuesday morning. I have work at 9 am. I teach a yoga class at 2 pm. It’s rare that I have a hard time falling asleep, so I’m a little frustrated. I figured I would just write about why I can’t fall asleep to see if it helps (spoiler alert, it did, read on to see how)-
In this moment, I can’t help but think of all of the things I SHOULD be doing. I should be sleeping so I feel rested, ready to massage, and to teach class tomorrow… because if I’m not rested I’ll feel miserable… and my massages won’t be good…then I’ll lack energy for yoga, so it won’t be a good class… then I’ll have failed my students.. and this… and that…
There I went, down a dark mental hole that felt like an eternal hell of shitty thoughts.
Have you ever observed your mind just go nuts with thoughts? Without emotions? It’s not easy. I know when it’s happening to me, for instance, earlier when I was feeling those irrational lows, I could feel my body tense, my eyes started to water, and my breath was almost non-existent. It can be quite paralyzing when you’re so wrapped up in these episodes of self deprecating thoughts. But once you don’t physically or emotionally act on every thought, and just observe, almost as a third party…it’s pretty fucking crazy to see the extreme highs and lows your mind can go to. I was hating on myself SO hard. Finally I literally said out loud (into the void of my dark room),
“Do I honestly hate myself this much?”
To answer my own question truthfully- no, I don’t. This is why I opened my laptop and started this entry. How did I even get to this point? Why did everything feel like it was crumbling around me when it really wasn’t? And the hardest question, which I ask myself on a pretty frequent basis…why am I so hard on myself?
I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. My first feeling I can ever recall as a child is anxiousness. It is something I can literally picture being ingrained into my DNA due to things that I experienced as a kid. For the last 4-5 years I have been digging through my mind and learning how to rethink these anxious thoughts and behaviors that I have carried with me for so long. I want to make it clear that I don’t feel victimized by these situations. These are just facts about how my brain even got wired like this in the first place. I can’t do anything about the past, and I can only work towards bettering myself in the present moment.
I’d like to say this process isn’t draining at times, but it is, which really brings into full perspective of what self worth really means. I understand that deep down, I am worthy of this fight. I won’t give up on myself, or give into these irrational thoughts (that may seem oh so convincing at the time). I also know that someday this all won’t feel so hard. I’ve already come so far from where I once was because I kept going. I didn’t give up. The only way to go from here is up.
Patience is a key factor in all this as well. This shit takes time and requires attention. It’s figuring out what works for you. For some reason I always think of the quote “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” How can we (because I know I’m not the only one here) possibly think that shifting the way we think about ourselves is going to change overnight… or even in a year? Is there even a destination for this? What does it look like? Why aren’t I there right now?!
Perhaps there isn’t really a destination. This is a journey and through this journey we need to understand that we are not perfect beings. It’s okay if our mind gets away from us. Acknowledge it and find a way to come back to yourself- write it out in the middle of the night if that’s what it takes.
I think that’s the biggest conclusion we all need to come to in order to make loving ourselves a little easier. Let go of “should”, and just be. Keep loving and don’t stop no matter what.
It’s now approaching 3 am and I am ready for sleep now. Goodnight world.