Diving into my Anxiety

legs up wall

ANXIETY!!!!!! Let’s talk about it!!!

First, having anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone experiences it differently. Everyone manages it differently. No matter how you’re trying to deal with it, it’s okay. Just acknowledging and actually being proactive about your anxiety is huge.

There once was a time my anxiety seriously controlled me, and I didn’t know how to control IT. So I wanted to write about how I started to manage my anxiety.

I started seeing my therapist in 2014. I knew I was bottling things up and it was turning me into a person I didn’t like. I first went into therapy to talk about external circumstances. I talked mostly about my family. Therapy was crucial at this point in my life. I got a lot off my chest. It felt good to talk to someone who wasn’t in my family or friend group. It’s refreshing when a professional reassures you that the things you feel are normal! It brought me back to a very emotional girl I had been suppressing for a seriously long time. My last year of college was probably the most emotional I have ever been. Trying to graduate college, taking yoga teacher training, going through a very serious break-up, AND going to therapy to try and figure my shit at once- toooooo much.  I went from having no empathy or sympathy to an OVERLOAD of ALL the emotions! I felt SO MUCH.

I remember having a horrible panic attack in the closet of the yoga teacher training room in 2015. My emotions ran me into the ground. Anyone who has had a panic attack understand this situation all too well. It’s a feeling of complete lack of control. It sucked. But perfect in it’s own crazy way. I wouldn’t be where I am without that horrible fucking year. I wouldn’t be WHO I am without that year. I also wouldn’t know what I needed or wanted in life without those experiences.

Eventually I realized I had to go deeper. Things were more superficial than “my family’s kinda fucked up”. In the last 6-8 months I really started to pull up my own weeds in therapy. Why I have anxiety, what causes it, how I became an emotionless person prior to therapy in the first place. What I’m afraid of, what makes me angry, what my deepest fears are. Why I’m in a state of fight or flight. Things about my childhood came to surface, and I came to some serious conclusions about myself. To this day I am still working on those conclusions and actively turning in more and more. I find more peace in myself and my surroundings because of this. I still get anxious, sure, but it doesn’t control me. I am in charge of this. I have my power.

I know a blog post about how I dealt with my severe anxiety does not always make it easier for others to conquer and face their own anxiety.  My intention isn’t to preach “just see a therapist” or “just go to yoga!” because that’s not how everyone deals with shit. Sure I suggest it, because its’s what has helped me, but again- I’m not going to pretend this is the solution to EVERYONES problems. This does not have to be YOUR answer. What I will say, is that there is one thing I believe you have to do in order to even start managing your anxiety. You have to dive into it.

You have to face it. That may not be the answer some want to hear, but this cannot be sugar coated. It is the rawest truth. Using anxiety as a crutch is not dealing with it. It is not an excuse. Don’t be a victim of yourself. You’re only putting speed bumps in front of you. You have to bulldoze your own shit. The more you hide, the longer you wait, the further you run away from it, the more that shit inside you grows and the harder it is to pull it out.

“Some people just can’t break through it. Some people just can’t.” I’ve heard some say. As much as I want to empathize and sympathize with that, I just honestly can’t. This doesn’t mean I’m actively judging someone who’s not ready to deal with their shit. Everyone has their own pace. What I do empathize with, is the journey to actually breaking through, and going from “I can’t” to “I can and I will”.

I did the work, but it wasn’t without the help of my therapist, family, friends, and of course, yoga. That is something that’s important to know along this journey. You are not alone. 

We can encourage happy and healthy habits within each other.  We can help and support one another.  I write this not to boast about how far I’ve come, but to tell you it is possible. Your biggest fears will eventually shrink and you will start to see a shift in yourself.  The days of anxiety will become less and less frequent. Situations where you’d react negatively you’ll start reacting positively.

You are worth this.

Just go in.









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